Life is hell
by Living In Hell
Summary: Will I ever find peace, love and happiness


Love….

Something I don't really know, something that I really want, something I will never have.

Do you know why? Because I'm an unwanted child, because I'm ugly, fat and stupid.

You must think I am complaining, I'm not, that is just facts.

First of all, my birth was a "surprise" and what a surprise, you can't say I arrived silently, no I were born in pain.

All my life, people told me how ugly, fat and stupid I was, still am… My mother was never proud of me, never told me how much she loved me, she didn't love me, I were here because it was to late for an abortion.

Self esteem is built by what you are told, how people saw you. I never felt loved, I never felt someone was proud of me, it was never enough.

How can I receive love when I never knew what it is? How can people see me other than what I were told younger?

Some others things go this way, to let me understand that, in fact I'm useless, for no one will I be the center of their universe. Life is a bitch!

For years I let people be the center of my universe, believing I was the same. How stupid of me, again, I were just a mean to an end, as always, people can't return my love.

I know how to love, I have a lot of love to give, too much love in fact, I can give love for twice, thrice or even fourth.

I am someone who can feel others pain, sorrow and of this, sometimes I see my friends sad, and I put on my mask, I 'll be strong for them, but when I am alone in my bed, I cry, because it's so tiresome, I am a ball of pain, sorrow and sadness. People don't know, I put on a brave face, I smile, I laugh but in the end, I am alone. All alone because no one can understands me.

Because no one ever worry for me, I say it's ok, so why wouldn't it be? My secrets are eating me alive, no not my secrets, my demons. My fears can freeze me on spot, sometimes a gesture, a word or even a smell, can send me off the edge, off balance, and then I panic.

I suffer from panic attacks for years, in fact all my life as long as I can remember it. I learnt to manage them, to control a lot of them but sometimes, some things can't be supported by my brain and I hyperventilate to the point of fainting.

For long I dreamt of passionate love, but now, I just want simple and easy love.

Just feel someone's missing me… But even in my group of friends, sometimes, I disappear, just to find myself again, no one never search me… I'm an invisible figure, just a ghost.

I did all I could for that, the lonely strange girl, why would they worrying for me?

I can't show any feelings for anyone, too much pain. But I feel, sometimes I feel hard even, but I place it all in a box in my head and don't show or say anything. I can't that's too much pain for, because everyone that I love(d) always leave me. All my life I felt abandoned, like no one can loves me enough to have the need to keep me. People surrounding me always asks for advices or services, but no one ever ask me what I need, I'm not kind of girl to ask for, I don't because I learnt that asking is being weak. I can't show any weakness, people jump on it to destroy you.

Many people over the years destroyed me, making me the way I am today. Leaving me when I needed them the most, humiliated me when I just wanted to feel loved.

I'm not the romantic kind, I can't, once again showing love is weak, people take what they have to take and leave, no one was here when I was in the hardest times of my life, I had to get up alone.

Sometimes I just want to give it all up, why I'm here anyway, just to feel pain, physical pain and mental pain, always, my guardian angel must have been stroke by a bus.

I never felt lucky, no all I get I worked hard for it, I had to find solutions, All that in silence, because you can't tell anybody what happened to you. You will be a shame for everyone, no one wants that kind of girl in their entourage. Physical pain is all I can feel. I feel empty, I don't feel anything other than pain, it's all I knew all my life, the worst is the feeling of being rejected. This is quite a blow to the heart.

When you let people in, hardest thing to do for me if I must add, you quickly know why they are here, they just want something from you. Make you feel bad, make you feel used, make you feel rejected.

When your own sibling told you that, if you weren't there, maybe life would be easier. Imagine you are ten, and you just lived hell since half and a year…

No one saw what you lived, no one worry you take weigh, no one ask why you are always alone, no one take interest in you, no one except bad people, maybe it's the only kind of interest that I rise.

I'm a fast leaner, even if sometimes, you believe you have the right to be happy, life is always there to remind you that's not a possibility.

Sometimes loneliness weighs on me, your armor cracks, you let people in, just to discover that in fact, that was just a game, a stupid game I let get to me.

Why are you cold? I'm not, I'm just once again deceive… All my life is that, disappointment, rejection, loveless, useless or "used".

I often want to leave, any kind of departure, just leave, but even if I feel not at my place I love my family, and I can't leave them. Even if they always hurt me and my feelings, I love them, I can't live without them.

I can't trust anyone, people always hurt me, I never find someone who is brave enough (or stupid enough) to save me from the path I'm in. Self loathing is a powerful feeling, when someone said you are a beautiful girl, you heard you're good to fuck. When people told you I will be there for you, you know that they forget to tell you only if all is good, when all turn left no one helps you, that's too much too ask. You can't disturb people in their life, they can't make you a special place because you're not special.

I always wanted to be different from others, because I'm not at my place in this kind of life, but I had to "normal", like everyone, in a box, people who do things differently aren't people you want in your life.

All mornings are the same, all afternoon are similar, and all nights are hell.

What I'd give to have peaceful night, dreamless night. No even that is refused to me, I had to endure insomnia and nightmares, even night terrors at times.

Insomnia is not so bad, at least compared to nightmares. So alive, feeling the physical pain all over again. Feeling the fear again, what will he do me this time?

When you are lacking sleep, at times you are just at the end of all, you just can't be nice and happy, even for appearances, you just can't!

It happen on regular basis that your mask of joy and happiness, of being strong, of being carefree is falling, and then you panic, people can't see my state, they will use my weakness against me, people don't do nice things just for doing nice things, people are demanding, you have to be wary of that.

People give a gift, wait and see, they will remember a day or another that they were nice to you, a favor that pays, always. Period.

I learnt another hard lesson, when you give, never expect anything from anyone. People never think twice when you give, but when you ask, even for something free as time, there is always a good excuse! That is only a way to tell you, today I don't need you, so I don't have time for you.

Ok, again alone!

I feel alone even in a crowd of people I know and even when I'm with people I call friends, I have friends, real friends, but I understands that they have a life too, I hate disturbing, so when I am not well, I don't call, I stay alone, and sometimes I drink to the point of oblivion. To the point where I don't remember anything, to the point that maybe life will have a little mercy on me. Of course that never works, but I have the illusion of being in control, that I'm free!

Alcohol is another point that is sensitive for me, I was an alcoholic at some point in my life, I lived with a bad drinker. Alcohol is a double meaning for me, party and fear.

Fear of people's reactions and words when they drink. When I am with friend I strictly control the amount of alcohol I drink, I can't be drunk, not a possibility, figure. I fear people reaction, a lot are bad drinkers that shout and fight, I don't like it, in fact I hate it.

But when alcohol stay festive, I'm enjoying myself, I have the illusion that I'm not alone… Just hours of illusion.

Occasionally, I have hope, hope for a best future, that maybe one day I'll meet this special person that will sweep me off my feet, ok that is just a dream, this kind of person does not exist, at least not for me. But It makes you lighter to dream, even if reality always reasserts itself, dreaming is all I have to stay alive, to go on.

You should let your past where it is! So simple to say, but when your past is there, every night in your dreams, should I say nightmares, you just can't forget, can't forget the pain.

I fled men like plague, only to protect myself, no one of them ever prove me that they'll don't hurt me, in any way. Men can't touch me, I can't accept without panic, without tensing, without second thoughts in fact, it's hard to fight your own demons permanently.

Men have 2 brains, the smallest one and their dick, I know which one is of use around women. I can't trust them, at any cost, too dangerous for me. Every times I let one of them in, truly in, I had to pick up myself again and again.

But to be totally honest sometimes, I want a shoulder next to me just to let it all go, just to know someone else can support me if I fall, but this kind of trust is hard to give, so hard, I think I never trust any men enough to do that, to let them uphold me when needed, in bad times, I rack my brain but no, even in couple, I have to support myself. I have a defense mechanism for that, I close myself on, stop talking, stop thinking, stop feeling, I reject everyone, until it all stops, the pain, the heart bleeding.

A friend of mine told me, you always give it all when you are with someone, but you are incapable of taking what they gave you, why do you do that?

Because if I take I had to give more, and I can't, you said it yourself, I give it all… I have nothing left… And more than that, giving me gift let me think I am just a prostitute, it has so much meaning for me in giving time that gift, I prefer spend time with someone who truly consider me as his equals, than accept gift from someone who don't have time to spend with me except for…

Even if I find this special someone, I'm not capable of seeing it, and I think I will be unable to accept his love, just for one and only reason… I'm broken, and I can't fix myself anymore, damages are too deep. Years of submission, years of acceptance that I'm not enough good for someone can do that to you, when you never see the light, you believe you have to live in the dark for the rest of your life, with ups and downs, too much downs, but ups are delightful, and I enjoy them until the last second before darkness engulfs me once more.

This is my life fighting myself to live as normally as I can, without showing to the world that in fact I'm just an empty shell. I gave up to find love, because love hates me. I just live a day after another, until the end.


End file.
